Boise Visit

I was able to head to Boise for the last four days and really enjoyed it. I mainly went to support my mom but was able to make, literally, a few friend stops. I wish I could have seen more, especially the Boise crew, including the recently pregnant Lindsey and Matt, Bryna and Nick, Stephanie and Mike, with their new puppy love, and others, but time was too short.

I planned my little trip just right and was able to attend Abbey's baby shower. How beautiful! With attending hers, I have come to the conclusion, I love baby showers!

I went to SDE to see Stephanie and Cassandra, for a split moment, but so glad I got to for just a moment. Saw Calli on Friday after the shower, and enjoyed a nice long chat on the good 'ole Calli couch. Hung out with Kimi at iHop, even though we tried to Goldies, but we can't wait an hour for breakfast - come on people! It was so nice to catch up and be face to face! Then finished it up with Sarah on Sunday, which she brought me a lovely card and wonderful candle.

Thanks friends for a short, wonderful, uplifting visit, and was happy that I could spend four solid days with my mom!

What's a library?

I have a library card... I have a library card?! I have a library card!!

I haven't had a library card since... I was 12 or so in Rapid City, SD. I like this whole free book thing. I am actually reading too, which is different in itself, as well.

Right now I'm reading "Eat, Drink, and Weigh Less" by Mollie Katzen & Walter Willett, M.D. I like the idea of the book because it's from a medical perspective and the co-author is a cook, and so far I'm staying attentive and want to continue to read.

The other book I checked out was "Mayo Clinic, Healthy Weight for Everybody" by the Mayo Clinic. After I finish the above, I'll venture on to this one.

This whole journey is so new for me. I'm usually very concerned about how other people perceive me. Especially if I'm viewed as "failing" at something. This time, however, my perception of myself has changed. I don't care and I don't view myself as a failure, I'm learning. Learning what is right for me and my body, and changing my misconceptions of what I wanted, and figuring what I truly want. With wanting something like this for so long I definitely need a clearer understanding of what I truly want, and what I'm working towards, if I'm even working towards anything.

I feel relieved, and I feel good.

Flying Solo

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It's interesting how you can want something most of your life and then once you get it, it's not all that great, and that life, before it, was actually better, but just needed some fine tuning.

By week 3 I had a complete meltdown all week, not just with the cake balls... One minute I would be fine about what I was eating, and then the next minute I was a crazed, nut wanting some cake balls.

When Friday came, I had made a decision - I didn't want a nutrition coach anymore. I didn't want to eat that restrictively. With that, meant that the thought of becoming a figure competitor was highly unlikely, and I was completely okay with it. I'm still on the mission of a lean, muscular body, and know it'll be hard and take even longer, but I'm in control. If I want cake balls on the weekend, damn it, I'm going to have cake balls.

Through the last week I kept telling Alex, "I feel like I can do this by myself." probing for some kind of validation that I was right to have hired a nutritionist. I didn't get it. He kept saying, "Then DO IT! Do work!" My mission now - learn it myself. I want to learn why fruit after 4 pm isn't suggested, or is it a body builders myth. How does our body work with the food, and what do you feed it if a person is looking for certain results. How many calories should I be getting with the amount of exercise? I don't just want answers, I want explanations.

I went to a supervisor's workshop at our Snow and Ice Conference the other week and something had stuck with me. The presenter talked about education and continuing education and that being taught something is great, but taking the initiative to self-teach is even greater. So now I need to build my lavatory library, as he called it. Where is the one place I can count on getting 5 minutes, at least, of peace in quit through out the day? Yup, the bathroom! I'm not a big reader, and I rarely take the time to read in bed, so the lavatory library really is the best solution!

Now instead of feeling down and out and being dramatic about food, I feel a sense of relief. I'm still on a meal plan, but I've done the pro/carb/fat count on foods and planned them through out the day. It isn't perfect, I can tell you that up front, and probably not as finned tuned as it could be. It's a start though. When I learn, the meal plan will grow, and become more sophisticated like my knowledge of the subject.

Holy Cow, Cravings

I have hit a wall tonight... I want CAKE BALLS! I literally threw a fit. I was trying to cry about it, but I couldn't pull the tears. I am just craving sweets like crazy, and acting crazy about it!

A couple of years ago, when I was looking around on bodybuilding.com to see how people make their bodies look so amazing, I came across a woman's blog about her journey. She said she went to a BBQ and turned down hot dogs and just ate her plain chicken breast with a salad. People made comments and wondering what she was doing. She said that to get where she wanted to be, it takes extreme commitment and dedication. I never thought it would be like this or feel like this. I knew I would have cravings, but to want to cry over not having cake balls?

My coach says that true athletes that want to obtain this type of physique eat only 5 "cheat" meals out of the year: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthday, and maybe 4th of July.

Now I feel torn... Do I want to do this for a competition, or just eat healthy and be able to eat the cake balls that I ooooh so love... or am I letting my cravings get the best of me... but this is something I've always wanted. I don't mind cardio six times a week and weights four times a week, it's just the food restrictions that are driving me mad at this point (at week three). Tonight has definitely tested me.